Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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