Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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