Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
