I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
