Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
