:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
grandma shit on top of the toilet
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
