i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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