i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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