he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
