Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
