I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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