she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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