can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
