Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
