I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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