I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
