It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
