ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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