I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I want her autograph on my taint
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
