I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
