listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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