i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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