Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
