i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
