if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
