It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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