I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
