Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
