Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
