I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
