Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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