You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
