I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm always down for nudity.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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