so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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