i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
