i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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