i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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