im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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