WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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