"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just saw a hot homeless man
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
