You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
