I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
