I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
