hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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