My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
