There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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