Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
