I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
