I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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