I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Congratulations! We have a period
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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